|
I've started writing some everday, by hand. So I think I'm gonna close this sucka down except for the odd update on exciting things, like maybe Costa Rica. I'm also goin to pull a lot of the entries on here. I go back and I read them and I can't beleive they're just sitting here, it's too personal, I guess I feel too exposed. Anyway thanks to all yous who always added in your 2 cents, it has been wonderful sharing life with you guys and I know we'll continue to. I guess thanks to the others who just read? Take that back, i have nothing to thank you for.
Besides that it must be said that some part of what I have written I know not to be accurate. I write when I'm sad, it helps me to sort through what is real, and what I have blown up in my mind. So, I am aware of that, and have been every step of the way.
Well, goodnight for the last time :-) |
|
So on the Road Trip to Ohiopyle for Rafting Shayna was telling me about some guy she works with who she thought was a flaming homosexual…until he started blatantly hitting on her, repeatedly; and how confusing it is now cause she still thinks he’s really gay. I said something nonchalantly about maybe he swings both ways, to which she replied with a much more eloquently and intellectually worded: doesn’t everybody, to one degree or another? (it was elaborated upon as well)
This got me thinking, my thoughts eventually settled on attraction. I think there are 3 parts to attraction: Physical, Emotional, and Subconscious. It’s funny because while I think Physical attraction is the most dominant in our lives, I think that it’s the subconscious that is the strongest. We all know what physical attraction is. Emotional I think we understand well enough. As we mature and grow older we start to understand some things we need/want, be it common interests so you can share activities, or compatible communication styles so you can share in each others lives that way. This extends obviously into MANY many facets of inter/intra-personal relationships. It is also the only category of attraction which grows, as things are added (with any luck) from the subconscious category. I will not go into this, because it’s different for each person of course, the point is we know it/they exists.
The subconscious I think is the most interesting, it is all of the shit buried deep underneath that governs our internal lives and selves. Most of it for most people would come from the early years in their lives, with the exception here and there. An example picked at random from my brain to illustrate the point would be: An eldest child with multiple younger siblings may be attracted to people who need taking care of. They may hate it, they may even be very bitter about it and resent having to take care of their partner, but they may also NEED it. And they probably will not understand it for along long time.
So THEN I got to thinking that really, aren’t our other intrapersonal relationships (meaning not just friendships with anybody, but the GOOD ones) just the people we are attracted to without a physical attraction, or where a physical attraction is repressed, or ignored (necessarily, or unnecessarily)?
I think this is EXACTLY how we operate! And I think it’s excessively interesting, and insightful into the whys of relationships, of all sorts.
What do you all think? Of my little theory, This is one entry I would very much like feedback for…maybe I should post this on face book……..Current Music: Xavier Rudd |
|
|
Mar. 17th, 2007 @ 01:47 am
|
|---|
|
I've been thinking and talking about the cause of my unhappiness with non-romantic relationships. I had 2 self realizations. First, I am surrounded by people I love and care about. By choice. Those are the people I've chosen to surround myself with. When I look around for someone who really cares about me though, I feel deserted. I've been operating on the assumption that if you love and care about someone it is, at least in part, because they feel/do the same for you. It's mutual; only it's not, and this is not true. I suppose love is more selfless than I thought? But then, that makes it also far less common, and I'm not sure what sits in its place, perhaps peoples' needs.
The second -and this explains so much to me about myself- I evaluate people based on a 'what can I do for them' scale. It should ideally be a 'what can we do for each other' scale, but I have no faith in people to ask themselves what they can do for me. I'm still waiting for them to prove me wrong- which is not fair, because this attitude closes me off and makes it more difficult to ever happen. As much as this blew my mind, and does explain alot looking back, I don't know what to do with it; it's a huge, defining, and very difficult thing to change about oneself, and I don't feel much motivation to do so, again lack of faith in people.
It's interesting that something I could consider a great accomplishment is synonimous with causing me to feel lonely, unvalued and unloved. The world's a fucked up place sometimes. I tried to act on this, to stop the cycle, I even decided to say goodbye to someone I felt was progressing their way down the same old path, toward ending up among the one way streets on the boulevard of people who matter, but never make a difference. It didn't work, that is not something I can change about myself. I love people too much. And too easily. And I cannot make such a selfish decision, even if I do beleive it would be better for me, it wouldn't; I wouldn't like myself anymore. I have decided, rather than trying to change the people I choose, to change the process by which things develop. I don't know, I really don't.
And I don't know why I'm posting this, as I'd rather not share it with anybody, ever. I do know why, it's because I'm stubborn and my own words have been eating at me. We are all here together, and we should share ourselves with each other. Or at least try; We owe each other, at least that much, to try. Besides I think that really only Laura will read it :-) and I love Laura
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do know that this is not all true. But, it often feels true to me. |
|
|
Jan. 7th, 2007 @ 01:15 am
|
|---|
|
It's been my experience, in my 22 years of life, that you can't rely on people for anything. I hate that at 22 years old I still look back on my life and feel that way. Oh you can rely on some people for materials things though, I'm not talking about that. I hope I am alone in feeling this way? I think it's why I'm so angry and distrustful (mis?).
But I'm not gonna talk about that right now! I have news:
-I realized that I don't WANT to be a part of the business world. I need something that fits me more! Yes it makes sense and it's the smartest choice in this world. But that's looking at the life we are 'supposed to lead'- clearly not the one I have chosen. It has job security, perks, money, an easy ladder to climb, benefits, mobility etc etc ETC. But, it's not for me.
-There's a new store opening up and I think my manager wants to try to transfer there and take me with him (i'm not supposed to know the location, but I will say it's in the area).
-I'm still waiting for an opening in Colorado, and getting impatient, and might just drop everything and move there.
-I am 100% planning on visiting Rina when she lives in New Zealand with her sister, and am going to try to find a way to stay there.
-I'm on the NOLS (National Outdoor Leadershop School/Society) job-list-serv, cause I feel that could also be used as an excellent platform for me to get into what I want to do, and I want to take some classes as well to get credability.
-I'm going to the carribean at the end of Jan for 2 weeks! MUCH needed vacation! DOUBLE WOOT!
-I'm buying a timeshare there. I'm also buying a MOTORCYCLE! After I take the class and get my licence, and do my research on which one I want, and then talk to people about them.
That's all for now, I wanted to have a happy entry :-) I'll write again after Winter Backpacking (Adirondacks, Planned Route:Upstate NY, starting from ADK Lodge, Indian Pass, Lake Colden, Summit Marcy. We are scheduled to be back late on the 13th, I should be reachable by the 14th. Others have a map of our planned route and return time), leaving tomorrow night.
CheersCurrent Mood:  somber + Tired Current Music: Dave |
|
|
Dec. 9th, 2006 @ 03:39 am
|
|---|
|
So I had a thought, and I've been saving it all day. I got home today and there was recycling bottles on the front lawn, from Leyla (my dog). I sat in the car for a few seconds, deciding if I was going to proceed as happy to see her, or in a rage, throwing the empty bottles and cans at her. I chose the latter (you have to be consistant, or you're saying it's OK, plus she understands, and won't do it again now for at least a month). The point is, I realized TODAY that I was consiously choosing my emotions, or at least which ones to act out and display. Who does that? The question that arises is: Do I do this in place of what I am actually feeling? Or are my feelings overall neutral, and I judge what to display based on the outcome and impact it will have on the person, situation or whatever may apply. I beleive the latter, for myself. Everything I do, or say is purpose driven, and so this fits.
This begs the question- are emotions/our reactions that (reactions)? or choices. I know they often feel uncontrollable; maybe they are. But it's just as possible that we choose to cry when our heart is broken because we know we should feel this way, as it is we feel this because we just feel it. To choose on some subconscious level is human nature. I beleive the answer is choice. And that we are smarter, and more in control that we think we are. How else can people act drunk whilst drinking grape juice, or pull themselves out of, or push themselves into depression, simply based on "attitude"; attitude is just another word for choice. On the one hand, this is concerning because it makes us seem more like machines, more human and yet less human at the same time. On the other hand it is comforting to me because it explains my persona as something other than emotionally empty. Certainly I feel emotions, but. because I live my life in a highly consious state (highly meaning MUCH mroe so than the average person), I recognize I feel them because I choose to.
All of that from the dog getting into the recycling. I'm working on a plan to go to Colorado, I'll be endorsed on paper in Jan, and then I just wait for a job opening to come up, and decide to go or not. It will be hard to leave all of the friends and relationships I've made here, but for the most part, I feel I could have made them anywhere, and the ones who really are special: well, if it's really special then we'll keep in touch won't we. Not to say ALL of you aren't amazing people, and that I'm not blessed to have you in my life, and to SHARE so much of my life with you. It's just not realistic to think I'll keep in touch with all of you when I move, I won't, sad as it may be. But some of you- we will, I hope.
As for my life:
-Warrior Day with Dwyer- AWESOME to chill with his family, see what he's been going through, and SHOOT GUNS! among other things
-Being sick, with seriously blows, my 6-pack is gone and i get weaker everyday
-Free-Masons oyster + beer fest tomorrow, where I will WIN the Harley Davidson in the raffle, I swear it
-Winter snowshoe/backpack trip comming up the 17-19 in DOlly Sods, i'm takin the Dog.
-Planning a trip to Tokyo with Debbie Bock to visit Tera, planning Jan Winter backpacking Trip, Jan trip to the carribbean, and Feb road trip to Utah with friends to ski with Alex
-Trip to Arizona
-Decide about Peace Corps vs. CO, or a third option
Other than that, sufficient to say that people in my life continue to surprise, and confuse me. Mostly in good ways AHHH and Sharmistah is back in town, and should have my Hukah from Iraq!!!!!!!!
shua |
| » what? |
|---|
So, I've realized quite a few things of late:
1. I have no interest in keeping either job I have right now. They are not my lifes passion. For sure.
2. I rehearse everything in my head, and the reason for this is: growing up any silence/lapse in conversation with my father was used to own and dominate the conversation. I guess as a control/adaptive response I developed this. You had to be ready and know EXACTLY what you were gonna say if you wanted to have a chance of it being heard or even said, even then you often had to raise your voice to ensure the finish of a sentance. I do exactly that, but need to develop thinking and speaking on my feet more.
3. I don't want to be alone.
4. I need to start taking more risks. The emotional kind, and those related to trust. I take lots of the others.
5. My expectations will always be high. I will always be let down. It will always hurt; it will always enrich my life; it will often enrich those around me. But it will always dissapoint, and it will always hurt. Double edged sword.
6. I place unusually/uncommon value on people, and relationships with said people in my life. (see # 5)
7. I want to spend my life doing something exciting...
What have I been up to:
backpacking w/ the dog, seeing the nephew, seeing Xavier Redd (an aussie bloke) and state radio play at 9:30 club!!!!! and then going to Ben's Chilli Bowl after w/ Shayna and Rina! Conning my roommates into using my medicine ball as often as I can...like once a week :-(, climbing a little, halloween pizarty w/ hard cider keg and bobbing for apples, evaluating, and brushing my teeth.
Love to write more, but it's way late, night,
SHUA
PS: 8. I heart Natalie Portman and Tracie Chapman...for different reasons :-) Oh yea, and I also re-realized that I am living MY life.
Nov. 17th, 2006 @ 02:43 am
|
| » Drunkenness |
|---|
****I update after the rant****
RANT
So I may have ranted about this before, bite me, this one's official. Why does american culture center itself around alcohol? When did 'going out' become synonimous with going to a bar? When did a weekend become boring if you didn't get trashed? and WHEN did we become SO dependent on alcohol to just BE? Why are we SO judgemental as a culture that we need to hide behind the vise of drunkeneness to just be goofy, rediculous or emotional and just have fun? We are so homophobic that hugging a guy friend, or wrestling on the floor, or telling them you love them is gay when your sober, but commonplace, expected, and OK when intoxicated...ALSO, failing is OK when your drunk, why is it not OK when your sober? Why do we have to be drunk to make fools of ourselves? My point is, alcohol serves to take away the judgement we pass on each other every second of every other day.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate loosening up, kissing that girl you otherwise would probably not have the balls to, and just being absolutely retarded. It's fun. Here is my other problem: WE HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT TO DO WITH OURSELVES. This fake bar culture has taken life's place, rather than just being a part of it. Also, if I'm gonna try to make this a full rant, I must touch on the fact that feeling drunk feels good, unless you're too drunk. And we are forever in search of feeling good...problem #...3? whatever, relying on a substance to feel good, instead of finding peices of REAL life that actually DO make you feel good- trying something new with someone, even if it's failing miserably the first time or so, meeting new people (and by meeting, I don't count the bar-hellos who become people to party and get drunk with...you don't really know anything real about those people), I mean actually meeting them, finding out what they're passionate about and maybe sharing in that; what makes them who they are, what you can learn from each other. Taking some time alone to look at your life and yourself. Going somewhere beautiful, and nearby. Doing something physical, with your body- it gets the endorphines flowing- taking care of yourself....sorry i'm going on, you get the point. I don't want to get to know you in a bar. Lots of things feel good, why are we so addicted to this one?
In a minute: I really enjoy a quiet bar, even one that's jumpin now and again. I don't want to spend the majority of my time with the people in my life there. And it pisses me off that's all anybody is interested in doing 90% of the time, and that we can't "act drunk" when we're sober......are we really that bored?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE!
I think i'm going to New Zealand. I don't know if this is OK or not. Which is why I say "I think". I set a deadline- peacecorps by age 25 (or something like Peace Corps). I decided I'm not ready...not, not ready to do a good job, but not ready to give fully of myself with joy yet, and not ready at this point in my life to pick up and leave it for 2 years.
BUT, I do need to move on, i've been where I am far too long. I think I have to realize at this point, I'm just a restless, free spirit. I get bored. Life's too huge to sit anywhere for too long. Besides, we only get one. Ian C might come with me, and Rina will be there at some point, how coooooool is that! People I f-ing KNOW in NZ same time as me! My finances are kicking ass. Question of the day is: am I an adult? I feel like i'm still a kid, but I'm living like an adult. sort of.
I've been climbing hard lately, cause the people i climb with- we push each other. Also, my arms are gettin all muscly, which is motivating for me, i get too bored lifting weights, and so have always stayed skinny. But i just love it, I think people are tired of hearing about it from me...except all those who also are obsessed with climbing!
I've banned myself from IM, except for on work-breaks, and when I come home from somewhere, but no away messages, either on, talking to people, or off. Except for weekends. It's awesome. I e-mail more, and suddenly have time to do things I want to do more anyway, like read, I just started The Celestial Prophecy, which I got Chris from work to lend me.
I want to start dating. I was never much interested before. So, that should change my life. I think it's cause I realized what a catch I am haha not really...but kind of
That's all, this is already longer than most of you will read, so if yous want to know anything else, you'll have to ask me about my adventures. Love you all
Josh
Sep. 30th, 2006 @ 10:02 pm
|
| » LOTS |
|---|
Happenings:
Took another trip to Franklin with Tomas and Rina this time, led some 10s, b-ds, and took my first BIG lead fall (bout 20 ft whipper) on 10b/c UNKOWN. Awesome trip. Several house diners, so I'm glad I got that up and running, now I just have to maintain it cause we have a steady base of people that come every month. REALLY looking to go backpacking SOON. This weekend or the next. My mom fell and had to go to the ER, but is OK and recovering just fine, nothing major as it turns out. Big party at Sante Fe to see EPs band was awesome, we took over a whole corner of the joint and everyone had a BLAST. I am on point to pay off ALL my debts by 2007 or before. Erik Pearson and Dan moved in upstairs as our two new roommates, it's awesome. ALL of my medical expenses got covered by my charity grant!!! Double WOOT!
ME
Still unsure about my future, but one addition to my considerings has been the State Dept, Dept of foreign services. I've looked into it a lot in the past, and know a lot of people who work there, I may apply this round. I finally feel I am gaining my focus back, I've taken a lot of time away from everyting, which I had been too busy/not making time for, and it has made all the difference. I'm not there yet, but I am starting to re-focus. It's great, but hard. Same ol same ol with the people in my life, lots of new good ones comming and going, growing closer with the old ones, except for those who have chosen to fade away, and I continue to let them. I used to know a guy who always said to everybody at partings, if he was moving away or something and they'd say keep in touch, 'i'll always meet you halfway'. While I think it's not me to have a 'policy' dealing with people, I think I have more or less adopted this idea. It's so hard for me, I care too much for/about people; so i think it is better that way.
Realizations
Ah yes, i always have at least one. I realized I need a banner, or tatoo, or something to remind me of how IIII define success in my life. It's SO easy for me to slowly or quickly landslide back into everyone else's not-quite-reality, and then wonder if I'm not where I want to be. I may not be EXACTLY where I want to be, but I realized I'm still young, and living as I feel a young person should, with the according values. Regardless of how majority and/or society defines how young people should live.
Also- The only things we have in this world that are of any real value are the people we care about who love us back. Nothing else here in this plane of existence REALLY matters. to me. I need to continue to ensure that I value them accordingly, and that I make myself available to become this for other people
Upcomming:
DECISIONS
House Diner- ORANGE THEMED!
Halloween Gigantor Bash (w/ tomaski co-hosting, and in charge of the ice luge)
Fall Backpacking Trips!!! Posibly soloing, cause ben is in Maine and others are too busy w/ school and work.
Dec. pre-winter-hardcore backpacking trip, EP, Salthouse, ?Tom K.?, to prep for sub-zero temps. Dolly-Sods??
Coleman's #1 birthday :-D!
Awkwardness at the expense of not being fake
Hellos and Goodbyes
So much more...
Sep. 13th, 2006 @ 03:58 pm
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
Good God I complain a lot! Sorry to those of you who read this to be updated on my doings. But usually I only write if something is bothering me. I was reading this over, realizing I look like a depressed person. I'll try to write updates more? lates
Jun. 7th, 2006 @ 10:36 pm
|
| » Calling It What It Is |
|---|
How do you define yourself? What measure do you use to determine what kind of a man or woman you are? I am realizing I define myself very much by the people in my life. I'm not sure this is healthy. Because it masks the reality of who I am, of what would be left if everyone else were stripped away. This is, by the way, a classic middle child trait, and middle children often DO have serious identity issues with themselves, and with others trying to pinpoint characteristics about them. Yes, we are had to define, know, and pin down (even to ourselves)
-------------------------------------
As for me, I feel my life has stalled, and I'm stuck here. This is not bad right now, except that I don't know where I want to pick up and go to. I'm happy sitting where I am now, except that i have no plan. I'd like to say I'm working on that, but really I am thinking and worrying about working on it, and the distracting myself in the meantime. I'll get it figured out; i hope.
I had a realization also, that I have been holding on to people I should be letting go of. You don't hold onto people just because of the past, (do you?). If you share no part of life anymore, other than mutual friends, and maybe big words reminiscing the past now and again, what is there to hold onto? Easier to just let life flow, if paths reconnect they do, if not we'll treasure our sweet memories. The reality is, that I realized I've lost something, something that was in my life that was good isn't there anymore; and that will make me sad regardless. In this particular case, I didn't push it away, and all I have to do is play my part in letting things dissapear, and if I do, that will make two of us.
Little things: I did my first lead climb outdoors, went lazy-river floating with a water mocasin + Tomas, watched Matt Dwyer graduate from the Naval Acadamy (awesome Ceremony) and got to share in the celebration with his amazing family and friends (now I know how you turned out such an amazing person Matthew), LOTS of graduation parties, I LEARNED HOW TO BLoW FIRE!...i dunno what else, but I feel socially burnt out, it's time to go back in my shell and recover for a while. Lates.
Josh
PS- Looking to drive to CO this summer, and take my bike, anybody want to come? EP? BS?
Jun. 4th, 2006 @ 12:24 am
|
| » You put me on a Pedestal- WHY? |
|---|
So I am at a party this weekend, and this girl I know says to me, "Josh Steen, you're good at everything, is there anything you can't do?" Now, you may be thinking this is very flattering- and I was very flattered, especially as this was comming from a cute girl who I happen to kinda like. But that is not the point, happy as it makes me. The point is, people put me on a pedestal; when they first meet me. Next point: this is not fair to me, as it only gives me an incredible far ways to fall in everyone's eyes. Third point: I need to learn how to deal with this, because this is how nearly all newcommers into my life approach me. Lastly- I need to recognize what's in myself that thrusts me to such heights in these peoples' eyes. And, is it real, or just an illusion? Is it something I posess, own? or simply the way I make others feel? Or a persona I appear to posess, but in reality do not. Define it. Own it. easier said than done
...I think I am amazing...because I see people for what they are. and love them anyways. I think that must be the pedestal, because it's rare, and it's real. And it makes people feel good. And it doesn't last? But then, everyone has something nobody else does, so we're all amazing. That is all I see myself posessing that others do not. That's what I think, what I know is that I'm tired, and going to bed no less muddle headed than when I woke up this morning
May. 1st, 2006 @ 12:20 am
|
| » Life's Measuring Stick |
|---|
Am I wasting my life? I don't know, how do I gauge this? I often wish there were some kind of universal way to measure one's life fullfiledness (making up words? Steven Colbert Jr?). TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING. But there isn't, there are cues that we use. Namely what those around us think, that and we use society's measuring stick - which by the way I think is totally TOTALLY bogus.
So what do we do? I think that, ideally, everyone should come up with their own, truthful guide, and write it down. What's important to you? What do you want out of life. Are you living it selfishly? Selflessly? Too much of one?
I realize that what is important to some may vary from what's important to others, but there are other factors I believe there to be an absolute right to- and a lot of wrongs. For example- Should one's potential affect the impact they should have on this earth? On society? With great power, comes great responsibility. ? . Is that fair? is it right? For example should I feel dissapointed where someone with different assets and opportunities should clearly not? Is it respectable to have no lasting impact on the bigger picture, if you know you are capable of it? I feel it is not. perhaps even cowardly, and certainly selfish...is it wrong?
What do you guys think? Sorry this was very general, and not at all personal. But I think the only people who read this anymore are Cindy and Laura, and I'll just talk to you guys when I talk to you :-)
Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 11:24 pm
|
| » Just an overal update |
|---|
I am gonna buy a timeshare in the carribean! woot. I need some girly magazines to get the add out of for my gigantor collage- please donate. Work is good. I should be debt free by August (DOUBLE woot). I'm almost not sick anymore. I can run again on my ankle, THANK GOD- I'm actually starting to run pretty hard, and gonna try to be consistant with following my runs with situps and pushups. I still haven't found a church to go to. I have muscle on my arm- THAT'S RIGHT, real muscle. Climbing is making me a total beefcake...beefcake.....BEEFCAKEE!!!!!!! Especially bouldering builds the muscle, ah yes- i can boulder again, so long as Tomas or someone else large SUPER spots me so I don't fall on the ankle again. Caffiene study jacked me out of 600 dollars, and I almost cried. I go bowling and drinking every monday :-D don't worry, i'm suppressing the urge to grow a mullet and go totally white trash. I'm growin my hair out for now, cause I don't know what else to do with it. Planning another backpacking trip for after I'm unsicked, probably in Shenandoah, probably with Erik, cause he's awesome. Going to visit Dave in NY after easter weekend (is there anyone else I should be visiting in NYish territory???). That about does it I think. OH, and I've become re-aquainted with thrift stores :-D Hoops for the Homeless and Cat in the Hat? you know what i'm talkin 'bout
Apr. 12th, 2006 @ 01:34 am
|
| » Happy? |
|---|
So, I wrote something happy today. I don't know if it will come across happy, but I was feeling that way when I wrote it, which is a first. Here you go, let me know what you think, even though you won't:
There's me and there's this
shell around me
On the inside I'd thought it was empty
But now I see...
felt my heart beat
Such a pretty marrage
with bits taken
from everyday people
Such a perfectly fit
collage. Thank God it's not real
Those cliches that terrified
make me who I am
pride and vulnerability
strength and sensitivity
Hope I'm never afraid of myself again
Don't go through everyday
armed with a paintbrush
Break through the mural
And shatter the pieces
cut your feet and watch
them bleed
Cause it's real
And what could be more beautiful?
Night
Apr. 4th, 2006 @ 01:14 am
|
| » TODAY |
|---|
New people, new places, new things, same job, changed me. That's my life in a few words.
A lot of old people seem to have faded farther away, because I let them. A whole lot of new, and unexpected, people have drifted into my life. I climb a few times a week, I am gonna start biking to work, I quit a really good job to simplify my life and purge it of the meaninglessness that is Coorporate America.
I don't know where I'm going, and so I'm not really going anywhere right now. I'd be completely happy except for that in the back of my mind I know that I can't just stay here where I am, just because I can't, cause I was meant to make more of my life than this, but if not for that I'd be content to stay here forever. That thought is slowly eating at me though, and I am starting to replan my life...but just starting.
I like that I'm online a couple hours a day at MOST, my car is fixed for now, I got to see Cindy at least once when she visited from Seattle, I want to go visit her there, and Debi in Alaska, and I wish I had the girl of my dreams to run away to Australia with and never look back. I still get upset about things I shouldn't, I'm still insecure (& exceedingly confident at the same time), I still don't expect what I expect out of people- and I still haven't gotten it.
I'm still way too fucking open with myself and my thoughts. It's still OK, because I still like that about myself, even though it scares the hell out of me, and how vulnerable it makes me- i get a little thrill out of it. I still drive a 1986 Oldsmobile Regency Sedan named Marge! I love my fucking dog cause she is fucking awesome, I love myself, I love my life, I love the people IN it,
That, and slightly buzzed, is where I'm at this FINE monday night. I dare you to count how many times I typed 'still' in this entry...fuckers (yea you, cause you never comment, and I know you read...except Laura, whom I love dearly cause she will be my friend forever and ever, even if I'm a bum sometimes and she should be mad at me. and cause she always comments and lets me know she cares. I heart you lola! hehe)
SHUAAAAAA
Mar. 21st, 2006 @ 01:01 am
|
| » Headfirst |
|---|
I grew up incredibly fast. In fact I remember the instant I matured.
My parents used to fight in front of us, I'm not sure why, if it was
so we would always know what was going on, or because it was just
easier that way. But it was always ugly, loud, verbally abusive,
painful, and very very manipulative. At 5 years old I remember
interupting them to simplify an argument, and laying it all out
so that the problem was solved. They smiled at me, looked at each,
proud for a moment, and then went their separate ways. They
never fought about problems, the problems were always in what
was not said. If there's a trust problem, argue about money. It's
a language we all speak to one (usually smaller) degree or another,
and one I was fluent in by middle school.
I can remember my mom crying because she was married to a man so
self-absorbed he never even asked how her day was. I took that
on as my job. My father didn't have any friends, and desperately
needed someone whom he could mean the world to. That was very easy
at first, and easy enough to fake through highschool.
The news hit one day after school. I remember comming home and
knowing, even on the walk home. I came inside, took my shoes off
went downstairs and into my sister's room and said "somethings up
with Mom and Dad" and she said "I know...". I remember letting
myself cry three tears that day. Three to be healthy, and then no
more, because I had to be strong for my sisters, and for my parents.
It was seven years before I shed another tear, and I still can't
release my emotions as I'd like to sometimes. Often I feel like
crying, but that wall is still there, impenitrable. Maybe there
forever? I miss the release, and I hardly remember what it's like
to feel; in that way.
That was the day I stopped loving life the same way. I don't know why. Or what
happened. That's the hard part. I just know I was never quite
as alive as I used to be. The flame went out. All I tried to do
was take care of others, and enhance their lives. I'd find what
was missing and fill the void, or help them do it for themselves.
Not that that's a bad thing, but at some point I completely stopped
living for myself. I never wanted anyone to have to feel like I'd felt.
And all that I've ever wanted, and still want Is
someone to take care of me. But I don't know if I'd let anyone.
So I cry out silently for help. In part because I'm afraid of what
will happen if someone answers. But mostly because I've learned
in time that really, noone will. Not in any more than words. And
again- it's the words unspoken that tell our lives. I could drown
in all of the 'I love you's said and never meant. Never meant in more
than a heartfelt moment because there were never any actions of love.
Do you know how you get someone to think they love and care about you?
You take care of them, give them what they need, and act like you
love them without ever saying so. They'll say the words. It makes me
feel good for about 7 seconds. And then I say goodbye in my heart.
Cause they think they love me, and they don't even know the first
thing about me, other than I treated them like they mattered. I guess
that's enough for some people? But for me, love doesn't mean that
you matter to someone, it means that someone matters to you. That's
what love is, in one of it's shorter and simpler forms.
Don't get me wrong. I take my life places. But there's an
arena missing is all I'm saying. I see people for what and
who they are, and love them for it, and it's beautiful
(so many people miss that...), and
there are lots of beautiful things about me and my life.
I've done so many things people will never do in a lifetime,
because I live my life that way. But I've never fallen
in love, and I feel there's a chasm between me and a world
I used to be able to connect to, and instead of shrinking
it just keeps getting bigger. And I don't know what to do
about it, except wait; for it to be my turn, when someone
will help me, or for something to click, where I'll
figure it out and start filling the gap.
I'm not writing this to say- Here I am- fix me. Life doesn't
work like that, I don't work like that, and people don't work
like that. I just sat down today, and I started writing. I just
poured this small bit of my soul and my life-past out in as honest
of a fashion as I could. And I'm also not saying anything to
anyone; I've got some great friends out there, some of THE
BEST. I KNOW you are, and I'm thankful everyday to have you.
I mean that, everyday. [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i [...] with.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I grew up incredibly fast. In fact I remember the instant I matured.
My parents used to fight in front of us, I'm not sure why, if it was
so we would always know what was going on, or because it was just
easier that way. But it was always ugly, loud, verbally abusive,
painful, and very very manipulative. At 5 years old I remember
interupting them to simplify an argument, and laying it all out
so that the problem was solved. They smiled at me, looked at each,
proud for a moment, and then went their separate ways. They
never fought about problems, the problems were always in what
was not said. If there's a trust problem, argue about money. It's
a language we all speak to one (usually smaller) degree or another,
and one I was fluent in by middle school.
I can remember my mom crying because she was married to a man so
self-absorbed he never even asked how her day was. I took that
on as my job. My father didn't have any friends, and desperately
needed someone whom he could mean the world to. That was very easy
at first, and easy enough to fake through highschool.
The news hit one day after school. I remember comming home and
knowing, even on the walk home. I came inside, took my shoes off
went downstairs and into my sister's room and said "somethings up
with Mom and Dad" and she said "I know...". I remember letting
myself cry three tears that day. Three to be healthy, and then no
more, because I had to be strong for my sisters, and for my parents.
It was seven years before I shed another tear, and I still can't
release my emotions as I'd like to sometimes. Often I feel like
crying, but that wall is still there, impenitrable. Maybe there
forever? I miss the release, and I hardly remember what it's like
to feel; in that way.
That was the day I stopped loving life the same way. I don't know why. Or what
happened. That's the hard part. I just know I was never quite
as alive as I used to be. The flame went out. All I tried to do
was take care of others, and enhance their lives. I'd find what
was missing and fill the void, or help them do it for themselves.
Not that that's a bad thing, but at some point I completely stopped
living for myself. I never wanted anyone to have to feel like I'd felt.
And all that I've ever wanted, and still want Is
someone to take care of me. But I don't know if I'd let anyone.
So I cry out silently for help. In part because I'm afraid of what
will happen if someone answers. But mostly because I've learned
in time that really, noone will. Not in any more than words. And
again- it's the words unspoken that tell our lives. I could drown
in all of the 'I love you's said and never meant. Never meant in more
than a heartfelt moment because there were never any actions of love.
Do you know how you get someone to think they love and care about you?
You take care of them, give them what they need, and act like you
love them without ever saying so. They'll say the words. It makes me
feel good for about 7 seconds. And then I say goodbye in my heart.
Cause they think they love me, and they don't even know the first
thing about me, other than I treated them like they mattered. I guess
that's enough for some people? But for me, love doesn't mean that
you matter to someone, it means that someone matters to you. That's
what love is, in one of it's shorter and simpler forms.
Don't get me wrong. I take my life places. But there's an
arena missing is all I'm saying. I see people for what and
who they are, and love them for it, and it's beautiful
(so many people miss that...), and
there are lots of beautiful things about me and my life.
I've done so many things people will never do in a lifetime,
because I live my life that way. But I've never fallen
in love, and I feel there's a chasm between me and a world
I used to be able to connect to, and instead of shrinking
it just keeps getting bigger. And I don't know what to do
about it, except wait; for it to be my turn, when someone
will help me, or for something to click, where I'll
figure it out and start filling the gap.
I'm not writing this to say- Here I am- fix me. Life doesn't
work like that, I don't work like that, and people don't work
like that. I just sat down today, and I started writing. I just
poured this small bit of my soul and my life-past out in as honest
of a fashion as I could. And I'm also not saying anything to
anyone; I've got some great friends out there, some of THE
BEST. I KNOW you are, and I'm thankful everyday to have you.
I mean that, everyday. <I have been extremely blessed in the
people I have come across and in some cases been lucky enough
to share parts of life with.>
I know you are genuine people, and I do love you very much.
Like I said, I just sat down tonight, my fingers hit the
keyboard, and never looked back. This is somethin that I'm
going through. I don't know why, i don't know what it is.
But I do know that writing it out felt good, defined some things,
and helped me. I decided to post this because, I don't really
know what else to do with it. And because I've always lived
my life trying to be as honest and open about myself as
possible. I feel we owe each other that- to try. If you know me,
or even if you ever just asked me a serious question, you'll
know that.
<One thing people could take away from my life to date, is that being strong is not always a blessing, at least not for oneself>
I posted this...and then deleted it...and then felt like a hypocrite and so reposted it. I guess I didn't want anyone to think I was using this as a forum for saying "hey, look at all my problems". But then I realized, fuck you if you judge me. Also it's jumbled yes, but it's still extremely personal. So here I go, headfirst as always :-)
Mar. 12th, 2006 @ 09:46 pm
|
| » Out of the Rat Race and into the Poorhouse!!! |
|---|
I quit my job. They stuck me in Northern VA where I told I would not work, so I quit. I also realized that at 22 not only did I not want to spend a third of my waking hours in traffic (I calculated it one day in gridlock, and it would have been that much); I also don't want to be in a job with 10 days vacation, with a somewhat unflexable schedule. I'd rather work 2 part time jobs that let me take off a week to go backpacking or whatever, even if I get paid a lot less. So that's what I'm doing. Out of the Ratrace, and into the poorhouse! So yes, huge life change, I'm starting to feel good about it again, it was very hard to leave such opportunity, cause that is what i"m most passionate about in life. Opportunities of all kinds, it's what drives me.
The Fun Stuff:
My foot/ankle (which I ruptured/sprained) is healed a lot, so I have started climbing again with Mr Tomas. I'll say I'm greatful to have someone to climb with every week (actually more like 2 -3 people now), it makes life awesome, and that Climbing is becomming something I"m passionate about, it started off just a fun side-hobby. And i'm growing muscle :-). I want to go to Alaska to visit Debi in May, so I'm also saving up money for that. If it doesn't work, or even if it does I'm still gonna try to go to Rotuma (fiji) for X-mass 06, cause the Rotuman girls are still asking if I'm comming, and I'm told it's ONE HELL OF A PARTY there. Who's with me!? I've got family there, just pay for the plane ticket. Except none of you will ever go with me.
The serious jaunt:
Other than that, I'm just trying to figure out the same stuff I'm always trying to figure out: is it me? is it them? or is it all just in my head- in which case, that would be me again. Oh and why am I here. I think thinking about that is what motivated me to start updating, but now I don't actually feel like posting person stuff online anymore. Because you know, if you cared, you'd ask. And I'd tell you. And some of you will, and most of you won't, and then I'll wonder what it all means, because I analyze everything. Ahh how can such a free spirit be so heavy? Gonna go write some, goodnight
Mar. 7th, 2006 @ 11:26 pm
|
| » In Short |
|---|
Started work on the 16th of Jan. Too soon to tell. I hated it at first, but it's the first two weeks, so of course any job is hard when you don't know anything. I decided no matter what happens, even if I don't start to like it, I'll stay at least 6 months. After that I'll either be loving it by then, or I'm gonna quit and start something of my own- I was thinking of starting a magazine, I already started loosely planning it.
THEN I sprained my ankle/foot/both...there may be a hairline fracture, I'm seeing a specialist after this weekend to find out. So I've been not working for over a week, stuck in the house. They've got me doing online courses and small projects everyday...which is aweful. THe hardest thing for me is not being able to be active and exersize, which keeps my spirits up, and keeps me from getting depressed. hehe yea, i wrote some more, cause I was pretty depressed being cooped up in the basement and stationary for a week. My mood is better now.
There's so much more, but this is enough for now...for an online journal anyway
on the flip side
Feb. 11th, 2006 @ 01:14 am
|
| » Reality Bites...whatever it is |
|---|
So where do we go from here?
Sometimes life is just right
but some everyday this world can be too much
nowhere to go but up?
And we thank God for that
in the interim he shows us how far we can actually fall
It's bittersweet
realizing if it goes down this far
it soars upwards, higher than we ever thought possible
That's what I see when i blink my eyes
the quarter seconds of a place in the clouds, out of my reach
but this teary-eyed out of focus world is my home
It's the one I live in
My reality
The wheel i keep on turning
digging my own skyward grave
so where do we go from here?
Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 04:26 pm
|
| » Where I am is All I've Got |
|---|
EXCITE. At the thought
of all these people thinking i'm something I'm not
Another lie to believe & expectation I'll never quite meet
so why should I keep it up?
cause these stretched truths and alter egos are
the best that I've got
Noone wants to be spread too thin
but what if I look better that way
to you
to all of you
Maybe i should just leave
that way the only reflection I'll see is me
Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 04:24 pm
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
globetrotter83's journal